Simple Nude

By Paul D Robertson

Pastel On paper, 75 x 45 cms.

SOLD.

Mostly frorm my head and partly from life, this piece is really my friend Marina, but her legs just are not that long. She is really quite short

RANT CONTINUED FROM PAGE BEFORE:

I have had some experience with ppl in complete denial of the reality of mental illness. I didn't tell anyone at uni about my bipolar. After i had graduated, i had made a lot of friends, and eventually told them about it. reasonably soon after that i had an acute, and prolonged manic episode. They basically thought i was just being a prick by shouting "I am king!!" from anything tall i could find and stand on. the worst part was when i crashed after that - no understanding, not even an attempt. They were (mostly) completely against any sort of treatment.
These ppl were very important to me, and i was living with several of them for this period. Fortunately my family was able to help, and i stayed with my father for some time.

While i was acutely manic (really starting to lose it thass fer sure) i had a psychology STUDENT explain to me how i wasn't sick, the drug companies were exploiting me, in my infinite naiveté. I was a lamb to their wallets. Being manic, I tore her to shreds. She was very close to one of my friends and flat mates - told her and everyone else that i had yelled at her because SHE WAS sTUDYING PSYCHOLOGY. Scary thing is she was about to graduate and go out into the world with this idea. scarier still that someone in the psyche faculty had taught it to her.

i don't see any of the friends that i had made at uni - indeed i have very few friends. I am cautious (um apart from right now with um women). I always tell ppl about my bp if they become close to me.
It is incredibly common, and still amazes me how little ppl know, or more importantly, WILL ACCEPT AS TRUE.
me:
"i have bipolar affective disorder."
Member of Public (shall be acronominised to "MOP")
"huh?"
me
"i have manic depression."
MOP:
"oh. sure. NO YOU DON'T!! HEY AND SHUT UP I'M TRYING TO READ tv week!! Don't you know what's happening to ridge and Taylor?!?!?" (um had to do some research but Taylor is a psychiatrist apparently? hahahahhahhahahaaa hahaha)
hahahahahaaa

i forgive her
she is hot.
rambling now huh? sorry.
hm yeh.

sold a painting... yay. paid my bills yay. got fined for crashing into that guy . boo. hiss.
am having scary efexor withdrawals. boo. hiss. yuck. boo. hiss.

halucinating. boo hiss... little natalie portman monsters scuttling around at the corner of my vision. boo hiss. not even naked. booo hiss.

painting more than ever bfore in my life i think. yay.

tried very challenging watercolours yesterday an d did em with no wu-ckerings. yay. 2 in one day. yay. can't afford to frame all this new stuff but will try n get the grant folks to give me more moneys. yay/boo?

am lonely.

boo

am scared

BOO! (gah runs n hides behind chair)

my efexor (anti depressant) withdrawals... i have these shaky things and i think i am starting to act like a mad guy more than usual in public. The hallucinations are real, tho no natalie portman (boo hiss!). just keep seeing things out of the corner of my eye that are not there. I mean i think they aren't.
very bad thing is i nearly had an accident today trying to avoid one of them. yeah and i was driving, didn't mean, like a bedwetting accident or anything like that.
I am trying clonazepam and valium (together hand in claw, probably a bad idea. oops) they make me cranky and now i am forced to sit on my rocking chair with a shotgun, chew some baccy n whittle and now and then shoot at the natalie monsters.

had a wee bit of a collapse in the street, but got up again :). haven't told anyone not online bout that. sensory overload.
it's pretty strange, i think i recognise the brain-shivers that from a horror movie or book or comic or memory.
And yet i am not depressed. the painting helps a hell of a lot. focus i guess.
Am seeing my psyche tomorrow. i think i might have to go um to hospital but THEY ARE ALL NUTS IN THERE. and i don't just mean the staff.

maybe not.

probably should.
and now, oh this is quite weird i think. i am quite used to having self-harm and suicidal thoughts- accompanied normally by mixed state, "black mania."
But NOW i still have the same desires but in a very different way... almost like contemplating a far less important or destructive act. i am not joking now. only example i can think of is: do i have a cup of tea or stick this sharp thing in my neck? and i am not in a depressed state when thinking it. almost HUMMING. I come back into myself with a jolt of feeling, not afraid of it but guilty. Still wanting it.

I have been trying to deal with this illness for a while (diagnosed early nineties yeah) and most of this is new to me. it scares me in rational moments, but most of the time the anxiety is entirely SEPARATE from the rest of the symptoms.
i believe that my disorder has pretty much taken over. Even while typing this i have gone thru a few moods irrationally. Up mostly, but i cried when i read some of myopwn writing.
I am being a very good boy; i mean, i am eating and excersizing, taking lamactil and cleaning behind my ears and it has been a while since i have set any pets on fire. None of this makes any difference.

I think it is well past time for bed. It is empty, should fix that. With perhaps consistency instead of diversity. Hmm.