Fast watercolour that I liked very much. 20 minutes well spent :)

Oh and this is the right way round. She is flipping backwards, in my mind at least.

Red Fall (fast watercolour)

By Paul D Robertson

Watercolours, 26 x 16cms.

Sold

Ach
Ah oh.
So it is around me like a sea and I think that there is no other way for me to live. I drove past the house of a woman that I loved who now lives with a man I called my closest friend and whom I also loved after a fashion fer sure… on the way home from seeing a woman who was my first love – who I loved more keenly than the first cut on my arm. She got pregnant from me when I was 15 and her hand I held in the hot sun after her abortion.
Makes me wish and wish and think and arch my back and bite my cheeks.
Something holding me there, ah oh yes.

My skin feels like it is sleeping on me and receiving a dream of an itch and an agitation an abrasion. I have that desperation flicking the backs of my eyes. I have that slipping sensation slippery and flaring in my mind. I know this. And her house is so clean and her skin it is old now it is it is it was young once I remember her in the soft light and ignominy of raging youth. As I sat sadly by her side.
Then. Now. Then and now.
Ah these things that I want and have lost. I don’t think I have the requisite rage or hysterical strength to do it right now. I am tired I am looking for excuses even though I am so strong and I rage so hard. It all seems mad to me mad.
I wonder how much I have dreamed (I do not dream) and how much I have written to be real and how much other people remember; what has passed these eyes once.
I have taken drugs to make me sleep because I am not strong enough – I can’t make it skin from my fingers tonight, though I know it is there. It is and I do.
The awareness of my own fear quickens inside me like I have swallowed a reptile or my own hate.
What a shame!
What a coward.
Ach oh. Damnit burn it.
Such sadness and how I have lost and how have I lost I feel its weight dead upon me as I slip sleep here.

I will show you. Don’t come with me, but hold my heart for me in your gentleness and hope. Here, and this crippled man, in the night.

In time I will eat the world.