Mendicant's Wish
By Paul D RobertsonPastels, 80 x 45 cm
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The image is of two girls that I met just after I left university and alas don't see anymore. The name means - beggar - so beggar's wish. As I was, and they graced me with their time, their softness and their beauty.
This was probably the first time I had had success in conveying the glow that I could see from my mind to the paper. Pastel is particularly good for this, but it can be done with care in any medium. The light reflected from the girl on the right's blouse becomes a soft diaphonous outline, and their beauty is made somehow more precious.
I got a decent price for this piece early on and it kept me alive for a good while.
RANT JOURNAL-ISH
I don’t know I don't know I seem to be in and out and up and down
and it
seems like it would all be a big fucking drama.
I have coped sooo welll for soo long I have tried so hard I know u will
understand, I gave up drinking and it nearly killed me so many times and
I
WANT A DRINK RIGHT NOW this is why I keep a dry house except when it is
raining or i play with the hose
haven't had a drink since ‘98 not a sip not a drug nothing to ever
stop the shit in my head from going round and fucking round and i feel
so
SICK all the time
what the fuck are we all looking for where is an answer? i have read
Descartes and Kant and Nietzsche and the bible there's nothing the fuck
THERE!
i can't stop shaking and it is hard to type, but i will not call some
guys in white jackets with sombre kind expressions and very clean shoes.
i have taken my clonazepam n i did NOT od even of i wanted to; i will
do
some WORK and call my doctor tomorrow and this desperation will continue,
part of the answer, the real answer is that there is NOT AN ANSWER and
i
will have to trade my mind for my life for a while WHAT THE FUCK KIND
OF
DEAL IS THAT??????
EXCISE my personality remove expunge it - all my work will STOP
and it can't hold me close to it hangs me -
balancing and teetering but heavy with velocity and density
but for right now my meds r squia=shing down my brain like a printing
press
and i
i have avoided it one more night.
i will sleep
i willbe ok
but i migh
maybe i can finally find someonewho can beat me at chess...to hospital
tomorrow if they let me take my paint and my giant books.